I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize