I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
