everyone is single if you try hard enough
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
