Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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