Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
