The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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