Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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