I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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