Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
