i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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