There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
