We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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