Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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