I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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