i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize