Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
