true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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