she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize