im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
sex in a hospital.. check
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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