wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
