My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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