I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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