I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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