11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
