Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I believe in your delicious
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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