i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
