dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
