I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
