You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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