nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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