i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
where are you?
Hypothermia
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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