Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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