I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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