im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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