I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
