i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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