i already hear my dad disowning me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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