Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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