Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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