He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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