Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize