Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
