I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
