hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
one might say we're banned from that church
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
