i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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