We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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