wrigley field is MILF paradise
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
