Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
