you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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