White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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