If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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