Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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