it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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