how hairy? two words: wookie tits
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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