i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
