I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
