there's paper in my vomit.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
