Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
