i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
