I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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