I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can you repeat that, but with context?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
