I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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