WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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