so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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