Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
