listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
