I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
