This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
